We at Empire Ink love comic book movies. Thankfully we live in an age where we get multiple comicbook movies every year. They aren't all great but even if 10% of them are good each year, it's still more good comic films than we used to get... and we watch them all! We gush over the good ones and rant about the dumb ones.
The dumb stuff has always been there though, it's not a new thing. It's the silly shite I'm going to focus on in this blog but, good or bad, if you want a portrait of a comic character, you can book here and we'd be more than happy to tattoo it for you.
Part 1: Giving Unnecessary Powers to the most Powerful Character
Christopher Reeve’s Superman
Superman is very powerful (probably too powerful). He has super speed, super strength, can fly, has freeze breath, and X-Ray and heat vision. That said, when written well, he's a bloody great character. You can write scenarios that put him in a tight spot but, using his aforementioned abilities, he saves the day.
The Christopher Reeve version of Superman does not do this. Yes, those films hold a special spot in the hearts of the older comicbook movie fans but that doesn't mean they’re good. Here’s a few of the dumb powers (that don’t exist in the comic) that they gave this God like hero:
Magical, Cellophane Cast Net
Superman II has a fight scene towards the end during which, Superman peels a layer off of the S shield on his chest. He then throws it, it grows large enough to wrap up a 6’ 6” man before vaporising.
This confuses the shit out of me. How many cellophane S’s does he have? Why didn’t he use it before or ever again? Where did it go? Why didn’t he just freeze the big prick with his icy breath?
Take a look at this stupid bullshit? Who came up with this? Who greenlit this? Why did nobody tell them how bloody ridiculous this is? So many questions that we’ll never get answers to.
Magic Wall Building Eyes
So what can Supes’ eyes do? Burn things, see through things, and (according to Superman IV) build bloody walls. What?! Why?!
If this selfish dickhead has had this power all along, why is the Kent farm such a shithole? Come on Clark, get your shit together, mate. Your Mum lives in a scabby wooden house and you could easily whip her up a brick one with a passing glance.
Roofie Flavoured Kisses.
So here we are back at Superman II and, after telling Lois his secret identity, Clark returns things to the status quo by giving her a snog that wipes her memory of the film’s events.
How the hell does this shit work? Is it the longer the kiss, the more memory he wipes out? What did Lois think she’d been doing for the last few months? What other unsuspecting woman has he given the Men in Black treatment to?
I think that Superman III should have ended with Superman slipping his tongue down Richard Prior’s throat for 10 minutes and hereby making him forget all of his computer hacking skills. Threat neutralised, no more dumb plots about wiping out coffee crops and tar infused kryptonite.